


when i look at you

by aebecee



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Idols, M/M, NCT 2018, empathy era, hyungs are mentioned, im not sure what else to tag i'll add more later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 18:22:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17688521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aebecee/pseuds/aebecee
Summary: Jaemin and Renjun had always treated each other a little more special than the rest, thinking that their relationship was more than being just friends and bandmates. However, on one fateful night, Renjun accidentally heard that the matching bracelets Jaemin bought for both of them was nothing but for show, a fanservice.





	when i look at you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first entry for allrenzine fic fest! The prompter requested for angst so I hope the story is as angsty as op has imagined. Thank you and enjoy reading~
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It does not follow the correct timeline of events in real life. This story is written for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant to harm the group NCT and its members in any way.

2:04 am.

It was the week after the New Year’s Eve of 2018. Renjun was lying on his back on the cold hardwood floor in one of the practice studios inside the new SM building, a simple gold bracelet on his wrist glistening under the dim lights of the practice studio. The slightly cold air from the air conditioner gently ghosting over him, he could not help but grimace at the feeling of his fringe and clothes uncomfortably sticking on his sweat slicked skin.

He wanted to just get it over with, sprint toward their dorm, have a nice warm bath, and sleep comfortably on his bed, but his muscles were aching in an intensity that was new even for him. It was a long day of practice, more or less 12 hours of being cooped up inside the very practice studio he was still in. He wanted shower, yes, but it seemed like rest was a good choice as well.

He was almost succumbing to the demands of his tired body (read: sleep), when a loud thud startled him, followed by a towel being thrown at his face.

He grumpily yanked it away from his face, eyes snapping open, “Hey-”

He tried to sit up to retaliate to whoever the culprit was, but he had to stop midway. Alarm bells were ringing in his head. Jaemin’s face was too close, so dangerously close, he could almost feel the hot breath of the other.

“You’d get sick,” the younger grinned, flashing his infamous smile.

Renjun was very much exhausted and maybe that was why his stomach felt like flipping in so many ways a hundred times, he could barely keep count, as he basked in Jaemin’s warm gaze and smile.

The older scoffed and lightly pushed the younger as he sat up, rolling his eyes in the process. Jaemin chuckled when the same towel was thrown back at him. Typical Renjun.

“Why are you still here?” Renjun mumbled while he gathered his belongings on the far corner of the practice studio, “Thought you went home first with the others,”

“I heard you were staying behind,” Jaemin shrugged, “I knew I had to drag you home or you’d end up overworking yourself,”

A playful punch landed on Jaemin's right arm when Renjun walked past him with a backpack slung on his narrow shoulders. The younger thought it was all fun and games, but little did he know, he was wrong, so very wrong.

 

“Stop it,” Renjun whispered in an almost inaudible voice. They were walking back to their dorm, but the older was a few steps ahead.

Jaemin halted, tilted his head in confusion as he stared at the small back of the older, “Stop what?”

”...acting like you actually care,”

There was a deep, deep emotion that echoed with the older's words. Hurt.

 

 

4:49 pm.

It felt like it was a game of push and pull. There were days when Renjun would openly reciprocate his actions, but there were also days when the older would just snap at him, like what happened the night before, the latter being more and more frequent.

It was another exhausting day of practice. A dance routine with eighteen people was not something that they originally thought was possible, but they were already halfway through the polishing process. However, even if they were dancing their whole lives, it still took its toll on their young, exhausted bodies.

“Okay, let’s have a 10-minute break, everyone!” Taeyong, their group’s leader, shouted after a whole run of the dance routine.

Pained groans echoed in the practice studio as some of the boys slumped on the floor, some of them stretched their aching backs, while some went out of the crowded studio to condition their minds for another continuous hours of practice, right after their leader announced the break.

Jaemin’s eyes immediately found the small figure slumped on the corner of the practice studio, downing an entire bottle of water messily. Before he realized it, he was already walking toward the other.

“You okay?” Jaemin asked as he took a seat beside Renjun.

It took Renjun a whole 5 seconds before he emptied the water bottle, “Why are you so concerned?” the older asked in a quiet voice, messily wiping his mouth using the back of his hand, eyes never meeting the younger’s.

Jaemin frowned, “What’s the matter, Injun?”

“Let’s not let our personal feelings affect our work, Jaemin,” was Renjun’s only reply before standing up to walk toward Sicheng and the other boys across the studio. As fast as Jaemin walked toward Renjun earlier, Renjun was gone just as fast.

Jaemin did not miss the absence of a gold bracelet on the older’s wrist, in contrast to his own wrist adorned with a silver bracelet glistening mockingly at him.

There was a foreign feeling on his chest. It felt quite heavy. He soon realized it was weighing him down more than the pain on his back.

 

 

8:05 pm.

Renjun was a hypocrite.

He told Jaemin that they should not let their personal feelings affect their work. After all, they dedicated almost half of their lives for this, but there he was, miserably failing to follow the choreography that they were seeing for the first time, for the new song of Dream.

“Renjun, you missed a beat,” the instructor called his attention.

Renjun was so distracted. He knew better than to let his emotions get in the team’s way. He definitely knew better, but his emotions felt like they were not his own. He could not take them off his mind, hence, there was no way he could concentrate. His mind was wandering.

“Renjun, you missed a beat again,” the instructor called his attention again, noticeably louder this time, making the small chinese boy flinch, “Practice the first half of the routine by yourselves, I can’t teach you the next half if one of you is mentally absent at the moment,” there was a hint of annoyance in the voice of the instructor as he heaved a sigh, hands on his waist.

There was only so little time for them to practice. They had to learn a lot of songs for the NCT 2018 project, they would need to shoot for several videos and photoshoots soon, and that was why they had to finish the choreographies as early as they could. Renjun knew all of that, and he felt bad, really bad. He was dragging the whole team down the hole with him.

“Get yourself together, Huang,” the instructor huffed in annoyance before walking toward the door, leaving the seven young adults on their own.

Renjun was not numb. He could feel the tension inside the studio. He could feel how worn out his teammates were. They had to repeat one part of the routine several times just because he could not follow the beat. He could feel six pairs of eyes on him.

“I’m-”

He was interrupted by Jeno before he could even apologize, “It happens, you don’t have to worry about it,” there was a soft pat on his back.

“Man, that instructor is really stingy,” Chenle whined as he stretched his aching shoulders, “a short break from him is nice,” the younger chinese flashed his cheshire cat-like smile.

Renjun was always the quick thinker, he was quite good at predicting what would happen next. In fact, he was already prepared for the worst, but what he did not expect was warm smiles directed toward him. He almost cried right then and there. What did he do to deserve people like them?

Amidst that, he noticed a figure approaching him, a hand reaching out to ruffle his hair. He must have really took _what happened_ to the heart when he unconsciously leaned away from the touch. It was just for a second, but he could clearly see the pang of hurt that quickly flashed the other’s eyes.

Jaemin.

Jaemin was quick to let out an awkward laugh, was even quicker to retreat his hand away from the older. He immediately excused himself, and scrambled off the practice studio with Jeno following closely behind. The lingering ache on his chest was getting heavier each day.

The boys were not dumb. They knew something was happening between Jaemin and Renjun, who were inseparable since the beginning. Even after Jaemin’s long hiatus, the moment the younger boy returned, the two boys were back on their everyday shenanigans— cooking together, shopping hangouts, sneaking out, late night talks, and even sharing a room. It could be just a simple friendly quarrel, but Donghyuck knew better. He could see the longing in their eyes.

So Donghyuck did what his instincts told him to, “Let’s talk,” he nudged the older standing dumbfounded in the middle of the practice studio.

Renjun stared back at him with questioning eyes, ”Just the two of us?”

“Depends,” Donghyuck shrugged, “Do you want to talk to someone else other than me?”

 

Talk.

Both of them knew it was what they had to do. It was what Donghyuck told Renjun as he ushered the chinese boy out of the practice studio, literally dragged Jeno away, leaving Jaemin and Renjun awkwardly standing a few steps away from each other.

Both of them knew, but there were few seconds, or minutes even, spent with just the two of them staring at each other’s eyes, seemingly searching for answers that they need, afraid of actually asking questions.

It was then when Jaemin broke the silence, whispering in a low voice that was so not like him, “Are we… are we okay, Injun?”

“Are we not?” was the older’s only reply, followed by a smile that did not quite reach his eyes, “I think we’re okay,”

“Renjun,” Jaemin frowned, took a step closer toward the other, but Renjun took a step back, away from the younger.

Oh, how he missed those touches, he longed for that warmth, but he would only fall deeper, and he was not quite sure how to break free if he would fall any deeper; it would kill him, not physically, but emotionally.

“Do you have anything to say to me, Jaemin?” Renjun’s voice cracked, just a tiny bit, as he tried his best to keep his emotions in check. He was asking about something that he already knew, but he wanted Jaemin to say it directly toward him, so he could finally stop clinging on that tiny bit of hope within his fragile heart.

“I-”

In all honesty, Jaemin did not know what caused all of this. He had an idea, a sort of hint that maybe it was the bottom line of everything, but he was too much of a coward to actually say it out loud, so in a hasty attempt to immediately say something, he blurted out, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,”

Of course, Renjun thought. Maybe it was only him who thought of it that way. Maybe it was a one-sided love all along.

“I’m sorry, I’m just-” Renjun almost choked back a sob.

“Renjun, are you sick?” Jaemin asked in concern, hands reaching out to grab the arm of the other, to support the weight of the seemingly trembling boy.

“I’m okay,” Renjun took another step back, pulling his hand away from the younger’s hold, “I’m okay, we’re okay, we’re bandmates, right?” he managed to force another smile.

Jaemin knew there was something wrong, but it was so damn obvious that Renjun was pushing him away. He could not help the bitter smile that slowly found its way on his face. Their relationship, which he always thought was something more, was reduced to just being bandmates, not even friends, and it scarred him far deeper that what he had originally expected.

“Of course, _we’re okay_ ,”

 

After that day, the little paradise that both of them built fell apart. They could not talk comfortably with each other, they could not look at each other’s eyes, there was always that tension between them, repressed feelings that felt like exploding any moment soon. Little did they know, it was caused by the lies that were meant to protect themselves but ended up destroying them— their relationship.

 

 

9:27 pm.

There were only few days left before the start of the NCT 2018 project, consecutive promotions of different songs by different subunits. As the release date was fast approaching, Mark and Donghyuck had been running back and forth from 127’s practice studio to Dream’s practice studio and vice versa everyday. However, for that day, Mark had to practice with 127 and the other boys for the U subunit. It was definitely not an easy day for him, so when he entered Dream’s practice studio for the first time that day, the heavy air inside immediately hit him. He almost wanted to pull his hair out of frustration.

“What’s happening here?” Mark asked in a dangerously low tone. Everyone unconsciously held their breaths because they could tell he was beyond pissed.

“It’s my fault,” Renjun looked down, eyes fixated on the floor, “I’m sorry,”

Mark opened his mouth to say something but he was interrupted by Jaemin, “No, no, it’s on me, I- I was frustrated, I couldn’t get the dance right-” the younger admitted, “I took it out on them,”

“Hyung, listen,” Renjun called Mark’s attention again, “I swear, I should have known how to deal with it better-”

“No, Renjun, you listen, it’s not-” Jaemin spoke before Renjun could even finish whatever he was saying.

Mark was usually the understanding one, the level-headed one, but he was exhausted from the day’s work, and he was already beyond his limits a little over a few minutes ago, so it was not a surprise when he yelled, “Shut it both of you!” making everyone flinch, effectively shutting down the two bickering boys.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before turning his head to the other boys who looked equally lost, “Go home, I’ll talk to the managers, we can’t practice like this,”

Chenle was about to protest because he did not want to leave Renjun alone, the older chinese boy looked like he was already on the verge of a breakdown, but he was ushered out of the door by Donghyuck, along with Jisung. Jeno remained still for a few seconds, heart aching platonically for his best friend. He was well aware of the struggles of his friend and as much as he wanted to comfort him, there was no other way but to talk it out with Renjun, so he nodded reassuringly toward Jaemin, who only looked at him helplessly, before he stepped out of the studio.

Once everyone was out of the studio, Mark sharply turned toward the two remaining boys, his stoic expression immediately softening when his gaze landed on the two. Renjun had his head down, fists closed tight, slightly trembling, while Jaemin met his gaze for a moment, before averting his eyes. The older of the three could not bring himself to get angry because the two looked so lost, broken, and vulnerable.

“You guys are lucky it was just me,” Mark started softly, “It would be an even bigger trouble if it was the management,”

“Hyung-”

“I know,” Mark smiled reassuringly at them, “Talk about it calmly, whatever it is, before it gets too late,” he walked toward the couch where his backpack was left discarded minutes ago.

Renjun was scared, of everything, the comeback, the chart results, the disappointment, the truth that he already knew, everything was just too much at that moment, “I don’t think this is a good idea right now-”

Mark’s hand was already on the door’s handle when he looked back, “Fix it, not for us or for anyone else, but for yourselves,”

The door gently closed, and they were left alone once again.

 

“Hey,”

Renjun wanted to laugh at how pathetic their situation was. It was only more or less a month ago when they were joined by the hip, but now, they were talking properly for the first time in a while, and only because Mark forced them to.

“I’m sorry, Jaemin,” Renjun hung his head low, “I don’t think I can talk to you right now,”

“I really want to, and I’m more than willing to wait,” Jaemin sincerely said, eyes never leaving the older. He was determined to make it right, whatever it was.

“Why?”

“What do you mean why?” Jaemin asked with furrowed brows.

Renjun could not help but chuckle bitterly, “Why are you so invested in this?”

“Renjun, I need to know, did I do something wrong?” Jaemin was almost pleading at this point, “It’s just- I miss you,”

Renjun was wavering, he almost gave in when he saw the younger’s glistening eyes, “Please, Jaemin, drop the act, we’re not even being filmed right now,” he tried to be firm, but his voice betrayed him, it was shaking.

“W-what are you talking about?” Jaemin looked at him in disbelief, confusion written all over his face, “Being filmed?”

“Oh, please, didn’t you say it was for the fans? The bracelet- all of this, it didn’t mean anything other than fanservice?” Renjun scoffed.

“Wait, what-” Jaemin’s words were suddenly caught in his throat, sudden flashbacks of that one night when he was fooling around with Jeno and Jisung flooded his mind. _He said he bought bracelets because fans like couple items_.

Only the three of them were awake that night, or that was what they thought. Renjun went to the kitchen to grab a drink, and while he was on his way back to his room, he did not mean to overhear their conversation.

 

“I- I didn’t mean it like that,” the younger’s face morphed into something between guilt and fear. He messed it all up, he _really_ messed up.

“Then, what did you mean when you said that?” Renjun cried out, all the feelings he kept hidden deep inside surfaced, he was helpless against the overwhelming feelings, “You can’t just say things like that, and then say that you don’t mean it that way!”

The older bravely stepped forward, until he was within an arm’s reach, “Help me understand,” in contrast to his brave steps, he whispered weakly, “because all this time, I think I have been misunderstanding all your actions,”

“Explain all of it,” with tears staining his cheeks, he looked up to meet the shaking eyes of the younger, “because I badly want to understand you,”

But what was there to explain? Jaemin did not want to lie in front of the older; he really did say it. The bracelet meant so much more, but he was too much of a coward to admit it in front of the other boys, afraid that it would cause trouble within their team.

“I’m sorry,” was all that he could say. “I’m-”

_I was too much of a coward in front of them._

“No, stop, it’s okay,” it broke Renjun’s heart, thinking that Jaemin was saying sorry for his actions that he did not actually mean. However, he could not really blame all of it on Jaemin because the younger was naturally affectionate, and maybe, it was Renjun’s fault all along.

“Renjun, please listen to me-”

_You didn’t misunderstand anything._

“I get it,” Renjun messily wiped the tears off his face, “I’m okay,”

“Ren-”

_I like you._

“Jaemin, please,” Renjun raised his voice, “I know you worked so hard for this,” he then took a step closer before continuing with words so cold and sharp, it pierced right through Jaemin, “But please, don’t play with people’s feelings like that for fame,”

For a moment, he was consumed by his emotions raging like a whirlwind inside him. He realized he crossed the line when he saw a single tear roll down the younger’s cheek.

Even Jaemin was surprised that he was crying, he tried to blink them away but it would not stop, “Ah, why am I crying,” the younger weakly mumbled as he was shakily wiping the tears that kept falling with the heels of his hands.

Renjun loves the younger, so much, and yet he broke him. He broke him to tiny bits of pieces, along with himself. He bit his lips, “I’m sorry, let me just-” he did not know what to do, he looked at everywhere except the younger, “Let me just clear my head for a bit,” he said with a trembling voice before walking out of the studio without even sparing a glance at the younger.

_I like you, I really do._

Jaemin was left alone, and it was the lonely kind of alone. He deserved it though, after all, everything was his fault. All along, it was his fault, and he did not even realize it. He almost did, but he was too much of a coward to admit it. There was also that voice inside him, whispering that maybe, Renjun was right.

Maybe, while he was chasing his dreams, he was slowly consumed by that greed for fame.

He was suddenly flooded with an intense feeling of self-hatred.

 

 

11:03 pm.

Renjun walked down the streets near the practice studio, a cap and a mask covering his face. There was still that lingering ache on his chest, and if his hands were not tucked inside his hoodie, he knew that it would be shaking uncontrollably.

They were supposed to fix it, fix whatever it was, but now, it was already beyond fixing. They were totally ripped apart, and even he himself did not have any idea how to fix himself, how to fix Jaemin, and how to fix their messed up relationship. He could not even save their friendship.

Because of his goddamn feelings.

He felt horrible, his careless actions earlier were still haunting him. He should have been the level-headed one, but he let his emotions flood him. As he was drowning in his thoughts, he pulled something out of his pocket; under the dim street lights, it gleamed mockingly at him— the bracelet. He did not wear it anymore, but he always had it with him. It gave him some sort of comfort, a pseudo one.

“I should… at least return this,”

As much as he wanted to run away from it, he knew that he should talk to Jaemin.

He should set his feelings aside, and listen.

Properly.

 

There was a high possibility that Jaemin already left the practice studio. After all that Renjun said, it would not even be a surprise if the younger already harbored hate toward him, but he still found himself walking back to the said studio, heart pounding against his chest loudly.

He did not know what he was expecting, but it was certainly not Jaemin curled up into a ball on the floor, eyes shut close, hissing at the pain on his back.

It took Renjun a few seconds before he could pull himself together, he did not know how bad the situation was until he knelt beside the younger. It was so bad, it scared him. Panic was slowly settling in, but he had to steel himself because Jaemin needed him.

“Jaemin, Jaemin,” he grabbed a hold of the younger’s shoulders, “Jaemin, breathe, I’ll get help,”

Jaemin still had his eyes closed, dried tear stains on his cheeks, “Sorry-” he involuntarily gritted his teeth due to another wave of pain, interrupting whatever he was going to say.

Renjun reached out to cup Jaemin’s cheeks with both of his hands, “Jaem, we’ll talk about that later, focus on your breathing, I’ll- I’ll call for help,” the older said ever so softly, voice barely above a whisper.

 _Jaem_.

Jaemin was slipping in and out of consciousness, it was the worst kind of pain he had ever experienced in his entire life. He almost wondered if dying felt like that because he felt like his body was being cracked in two, but despite that, he definitely heard Renjun calling him endearingly, just like the old times.

“Injun,” he weakly called out, but the older was already running out of the studio, madly screaming for help.

 

Renjun knew he looked like a mess; there were beads of sweat trickling down his forehead, his hair was a mess, he was panting hard from all the running he did, but he did not care. It was only then when Jaemin was brought to the emergency room of the hospital, when he could finally breathe.

He took in his surroundings all at once, they were at the nearest hospital with hallways so blindingly white. He looked at his hyungs who were with him, he could not even remember who he called for help.

Taeyong, Taeil, and Johnny were there. Their hair were sticking out in all ways possible, and they had bags under their eyes, but they did not mind it at all too. They were worried about the two young boys.

“What happened?” Taeyong asked in his softest voice.

Renjun had to answer because only he knew what exactly happened, but he suddenly could not use his voice. He blinked once, twice; he could only look at them in a daze.

Taeyong realized it was still probably hard for the boy to talk, so he just nodded reassuringly while patting the boy’s shoulder, “It’s okay, I understand,”

Johnny had to call their managers and report to the management so he left first. Taeil, on the other hand, occupied the seat beside him, “It’s okay, he’ll be okay,”

It was like a bitter pill that was being forced down his throat. It was not okay.

 

It wasn’t long before they could hear several footsteps running toward their direction.

Mark. Jeno. Donghyuck.

The moment Renjun met the worried gazes of the three, that was when he just shattered. He collapsed on his knees, head bowing in shame, tears flowing freely as he repeatedly asked for forgiveness.

“I’m sorry, it’s all my fault, I’m sorry,”

 

 

3:06 am.

“It’s all my fault,” Renjun’s voice cracked.

Donghyuck firmly held the older’s hand, “The doctor said he overworked himself, it wasn’t your fault,”

“N-no, you don’t understand, Hyuck,” Renjun was on the verge of crying again, “I caused all of it,”

Donghyuck only looked at him with furrowed brows and questioning eyes, so he continued, “I said really mean things, I couldn’t stop myself, I hurt him really bad-”

Renjun freed his hand from the younger’s hold, as he buried his face on the palms of his hands, hiding away in guilt, shame, and fear. He loves Jaemin, as a bandmate and as a friend, and maybe, more than that, but he hurt him.

He would not blame Donghyuck if he left in the midst of his breakdown, but the younger wrapped his arms around him in an attempt to comfort him instead.

He was tired, and it was comforting, so he let himself cry his heart out in the arms of his friend.

 

They had to wait another six hours before Jaemin woke up. He was under the effects of some sort of drugs to relieve him from the intense pains on his back, and also to let him rest. It was exactly what the doctor had suspected, he overworked himself that day, straining himself from rigorous dance routines right after Renjun left the studio.

He had to be admitted to the hospital for several more days, he had to undergo different tests to make sure that he could go back to work safely. There were also medications that he had to take, and several of them were to be injected on his back, things were certainly not easy for him, but through all of it, his members were by his side all the time. He greatly appreciated their efforts, but he was yearning for a certain someone, who had not paid him a visit even once.

“Where is Renjun?” he cautiously asked one day. His room was crowded with five boys, Chenle and Jisung were fighting over the television, while Mark, Jeno, and Donghyuck were bickering over the food that they were eating. Donghyuck unintentionally dropped his chopsticks at his sudden question.

He raised a brow at them, while they just looked down, “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Only Mark was brave enough to look at him, the older cleared his throat, “Well, uh, he got into trouble with the management,” he averted his gaze, “They won’t let him see you,”

“What?” Jaemin could not believe what he just heard, “But you guys know that it was not his fault!”

“We know,” Donghyuck was speaking in an unusually hushed voice, “But Renjun is blaming himself, it’s what he told the management,”

It broke their hearts to know that their friends were put in such a situation, and they could only do so much to help them.

“I want to see him,” Jaemin quietly said.

“What are you saying?” Jeno sharply turned his head toward the boy on the hospital bed, mouth parted in shock, “You’d get into trouble with the management too!”

“I don’t care, _they lose me or they let me see him_ ,”

 

 

10:11 pm.

“What are you trying to do? You’re causing trouble for everyone,”

Jaemin looked up from his phone, to see the person he had been expecting all day. He did not fail to notice the red, puffy eyes of the older.

“What took you so long?” he asked as casual as possible. Through the weeks, he became quite good at their little game of pretend.

“You didn’t threaten the management for a casual talk, Jaemin,” Renjun properly met his gaze for the first time, and oh, it was magical how it sent sparks within them.

It was Jaemin’s turn to lower his gaze, a small smile that did not quite reach his eyes, followed by a deep chuckle, “In all honesty, I don’t know where to start,”

It was silent for a few seconds, or minutes, no one knew, until Renjun broke it, “I’m sorry, for all the things I’ve said that day, and for all the things that happened after,” he started, “I know you better than anyone else in the team, I know your passion for this, and that you won’t stoop so low for fame,”

“Stop blaming yourself, I know,” Jaemin was looking at Renjun like he was the only person in the world, like he was his whole world, “That day, we were consumed by our emotions, now that I think about it, the Renjun that I know will never say things like that,”

Renjun’s heart was still aching when he extended his hand for a handshake, “I’m sorry, I really am. I hope we’re good?”

In which Jaemin smiled, a genuine one, “Of course,” he held out his hand to meet Renjun’s, but instead of a simple handshake, he intertwined their fingers together, “ _We’re even better_ ,”

It was all that they needed. They just needed to talk it out. Properly.

It caught Renjun off guard, so he cleared his throat, before awkwardly withdrawing his hand, “Since all of this started because I misunderstood you, I want to at least save our friendship,”

Renjun could feel his cheeks heating up, and it was not helping that Jaemin was not saying anything, and was just staring at him with a scrutinizing gaze, “Hey, say something,”

It had been so long, and Jaemin dearly missed Renjun, surely it would not hurt to tease the older for a bit, “Exactly what did you misunderstand, Injunnie?” there was a hint of mischief in his voice.

Renjun hated how he knew that Jaemin was just messing with him but he still stuttered, “T-that you were flirting with me,” they just made up but he was already mentally cursing the younger.

“Oh? What made you think that I was flirting with you?” Jaemin was half pouting while talking, it was a habit that he was never able to get rid of.

“Whatever,” Renjun puffed his cheeks, as he fished something out of his pocket, “Anyway, take this, you idiot,” he opened his palm, and there it was, the bracelet.

His eyes were cast on the ground so he did not see when Jaemin stretched his arm to flick his forehead, “Ouch, what was that for?”

“You idiot,” Jaemin playfully retorted.

“Hey, who are you calling an idiot, huh?”

“Keep it, that’s yours,” Jaemin raised his arm, and then lowered the overly long sleeves of the hospital gown, revealing a similar looking bracelet, “It’s ours,”

“B-but,”

“You still don’t get it, do you?”

“What are you talking about?” Renjun was more than confused. He did not want to misunderstand things anymore.

“Come here,” Jaemin patted the space on the side of his hospital bed.

Renjun hesitantly sat down with a confused expression, “Wh-”

Whatever he was going to say were caught in his throat when Jaemin suddenly pulled him down, their lips meeting in a chaste kiss, his eyes were wide open while the younger’s eyes were closed. When they pulled away, Jaemin only smirked at him.

“Jaem!” he messily wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, “W-what was that about?”

Renjun was so flustered that when Jaemin pulled him down for another kiss, his eyes shut close on their own; the younger not so innocently licked his lower lips, in which he almost gave in, but he had to push him away, “We’re at the hospital, Na Jaemin,” he scolded quietly, despite the heat that was rising up his cheeks.

Jaemin just chuckled, hands sliding down from the back of Renjun’s neck to his waist, to pull him closer, “You’re right, I didn’t give you the bracelet as an early birthday gift,” he confessed.

The glow on Renjun’s face immediately dimmed, but Jaemin was quick to kiss it away, “I gave it to you because I like you, I was just too scared to confess,”

He rested his forehead against Renjun’s, looking at his eyes sincerely, “I like you, I _really_ do,”

Three words, and that was all it took for Renjun to melt in Jaemin’s touch.

 

The results of Jaemin’s lab tests came out faster than what they had originally thought. It would determine his fate, whether he could still continue working or he would be forced to stop for his safety.

The older members, including Mark and Donghyuck, were out for a schedule so there were only five of them in the room, including Jaemin, nervously praying for good news.

“I’m scared,” Jaemin did not realize he said it out loud, until he felt a familiar squeeze on his hand, which was intertwined with Renjun’s. He glanced down to see two similar looking bracelets on their wrists, shining a lot brighter than the previous days.

Jeno, Chenle, and Jisung were sitting on the couch on the side of the room while Renjun was sitting on the hospital bed beside him. They were waiting for the doctor, who talked to their managers first.

“Shh, you’ll be fine, Jaem,” Renjun reached out to lovingly caress his hair, in which he leaned into the touch, eyes closing in contentment.

“Injun,” Jaemin whispered, voice filled with raw desperation, as if the older was the only hope he was holding on to.

“We won’t lose you again, _I won’t lose you again_ ,”

 

 

6:35 pm.

“Shut it both of you!” Chenle screamed on top of his lungs, which literally made everyone stop.

They were inside the NCT 2018 bus, currently on their way to the COEX Artium for their first ever fansign with all the eighteen members. They had successfully launched the NCT 2018 project, Empathy. It exceeded the expectations of the management and they received several praises for it, all in all, it was a success.

“What?” Doyoung looked at the younger members on the back with furrowed brows and narrowed eyes, “What are you guys on to?”

The dreamies shared mischievous glances with each other before snickering quietly. It was an inside joke amongst themselves. Mark, on the other hand, covered his face with both of his hands, clearly embarrassed.

Lucas, who was sitting beside Mark, asked in his usual loud voice, “Oh, why is your face so red, Mark? Are you okay?”

That was when the dreamies could not hold their laughter anymore and laughed out loud, resulting to even more confused older members and a very embarrassed Mark.

Renjun was having the laugh of his life, almost rolling on the floor if not for the lack of space inside the bus. Jaemin was also smiling, but he was barely paying attention to what was happening around them, his focus solely on the older boy beside him.

He had always been a coward, perhaps he still was, but each day, he was getting a little braver. In the end, everything went well, and he would be forever grateful for that; forever grateful for the boy who did not give up on him.

 

 _When my world is falling apart_  
_When there’s no light to break up the dark_  
_That’s when I look at you_

End.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt 112. Idols Au. A gave B a bracelet but it was all about fanservice.
> 
> if u wanna yell about renmin hmu! thank you for reading!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/jaemnoren)


End file.
